Here are some things my bride likes: fireworks, parades, a welcoming company bathroom, babies, cute babies, goofy-looking babies, well-produced television commercials with cute or goofy-looking babies, scones, Peeps, frozen margaritas, sparkly glassware on her Thanksgiving dinner table, hanging out with her children, warm feet, laying on a beach with a book, fresh flowers, fresh snow, lightly buttered popcorn, drinking straws, and craft magazines.
It’s a good list. And I’ll probably think of a few more things to add in the normal course of life. Actually, just writing this list has been a valuable exercise. Thinking about what my bride likes literally strengthens my marriage.
Please note this list is not emotional needs or love languages the I need to focus on as a husband. These are simply things Rita likes anytime, anyplace, no matter who provides them. If a scone, Peeps, fresh flowers, or a craft magazine mysteriously appeared on our kitchen table, she would enjoy those things simply because she likes those things. Sure, part of the fun of parades and fireworks is sharing them with others, but I’m pretty sure Rita would enjoy them in the company of strangers.
You probably know where I’m going with this. A wise husband will make a similar list particular to your wife — using it and updating it frequently.
So how do you follow through on this idea? Easy. In random order, provide one of those items to your bride once a week for as long as you both shall live. Be intentional about it. Find a scone bakery on the way home from work. Make sure you have a can of frozen margarita mix in the door of the freezer. On movie night, make sure you have microwave popcorn in the cabinet. Book a beach vacation.
Or better, keep the list top of mind and allow it to trigger spontaneous moments when you provide your wife one of her favorite things. While you’re waiting for a prescription, if you notice a craft magazine, pick it up. If one of those cute-baby commercials comes on when she’s in the kitchen, pause the DVR and play it for her when she returns. If you notice the sun glinting off a fresh snowfall, stop what you’re doing and share the moment with your bride.
The goal here is not selfish. It’s easy to think, “If I give her what she likes, she’ll give me what I like.” That’s not it at all. The goal is to fully integrate into your marriage that “two becoming one” idea from Matthew chapter 19. Maybe think of it this way, “If I give her what she likes, it gives me joy as well.”
Does this make sense? No? It makes total sense to me, but perhaps that’s because this chapter has mostly been about the specific stuff Rita likes. Friend, make a similar list for your bride, and it will all be clear. Don’t just do it in your head. Get out a yellow pad or open a new Word doc and just start thinking about what makes your wife smile. Your mind may start to wander to the stuff that ticks her off, but don’t go there. Stay positive.
I promise, just making that list will give you fresh insights, warm fuzzies, and a new appreciation for that woman who is counting on you. You’ll begin to see her as only a devoted husband can. There are things you know about her no one else does. Which means only you can intentionally and regularly provide those moments of joy. Only you can prompt that intimate smile that makes marriage different than any other relationship in the world.
TAKE AWAY
The longer you’re married, the more you know how to push your wife’s buttons. Which ones to push and how often is really your choice.
“Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?”
— Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939)
(excerpted in part from my book, 52 Things Wives Need from Their Husbands.)
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