Doing the math, I’ve written roughly two million words. For ads, scripts, and books. And 95% of them are still on my hard drive. Today, searching for something else, up popped a chapter from my 2014 book, 52 Things Sons Need from Their Dads. I had pretty much forgotten writing it.
The chapter stunned me a bit. Even as the author, I enjoyed reading it and it moved me. But I’m not sure if I could or would write this today. Does it apply? Would anyone be offended? What do you think?
NEED #32
A SON NEEDS HIS DAD . . .
TO DEFEND 21ST CENTURY CHIVALRY
As an advocate and cheerleader for dads, I receive quite a few stories from friends and colleagues. Here’s one that had me regretting how I had let the changing culture change me. Things I instinctively wanted to do, I no longer did. Things I should have taught my sons, I didn’t. See if you can relate.
The story begins with Dr. Samuel DeWitt Proctor on an elevator. The doors open and one of his female students steps on. The professor removes his hat. In his book, The Substance of Things Hoped For, Dr. Proctor relates the following conversation:
“Dr. Proctor,” she said, “Why . . . did you take your hat off when I got in the elevator? You’re living in the Victorian age.” She laughed congenially.
“If you’ll get off the elevator with me for a moment, I’ll tell you.” At my stop, we both stepped off.
“I’m not a Victorian,” I said, “but some things stay in place from one generation to another, and certain manners stand for values that I hold dear. I believe that a society that ceases to respect women is on its way out. Women bear and raise our children, they are bound to them in early infancy; they need our support and security through this process. When we forget that, the keystone of family and home is lost. When we neglect and abuse women, the family falls apart and children are less well parented, and they fill up in the jails and are buried in early graves. I believe that respect for women is the linchpin of the family and the society.
“Therefore, when you entered the elevator, I wanted you to have automatic, immediate, unqualified assurance that if the elevator caught fire, I would help you out through the top first. If a strange man boarded and began to slap you around and tear your clothes off, he would have to kill me first. If the elevator broke down and stopped between floors, I would not leave you in there. If you fainted and slumped to the floor, I would stop everything and get you to a hospital.
“Now, it would take a lot of time to say all of that, so when I removed my hat, I meant all of the above.”
I hope that student learned a lesson from that eloquent professor. From my experience, I doubt she did. As a young adult male in the 1980’s working world, I quickly learned that certain women wanted no part of male chivalry. They were insulted if you opened the door for them, stood when they entered the room, or gave up your seat on the bus. Women who were supposedly seeking equality and respect often said nasty things or gave nasty looks. So I stopped doing it. And the world became a little colder and a little more selfish.
Looking back, I wish I had the courage, convictions and grace of Professor Proctor.
You and your son are not responsible to save the world from radical feminism or start quarrels with women who want to open their own doors. But you can certainly take a stand for mutual respect, tradition, and the art of being a gentleman.
Begin by teaching your son all the old-fashioned, supposedly-Victorian rituals. That includes opening car doors, standing when appropriate, pulling out chairs, offering your coat when it’s chilly, and maybe even taking off your hat in an elevator. In a busy office, on a factory floor, or in council chambers, your son will likely want to adapt his application of male chivalry. That’s his choice, but he should at least know the rules. They no longer teach social etiquette and manners in school, so he’s going to need your help.
As an aside: Before his first date, young Romeo needs to be ready to meet the young lady’s father and shake his hand, help her with her coat, open every door they approach, be prepared to pick up the tab, and walk her to her door at the end of the evening without expecting a kiss. He’ll say, “I know all that, Dad.” But tell him he has to hear you out anyway, especially if he’s borrowing your car.
Finally, it’s worth noting that Dr. Samuel DeWitt Proctor was a respected humanitarian, minister, and leader in the African-American Civil Right Movement, and a friend and mentor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The student on the elevator happened to be white. That certainly doesn’t change the truth spoken by Dr. Proctor in that teachable moment. But it does remind us that your son will be working and living in a world that continues to change. Every generation faces new cultural realities. Your job, Dad, is to help him develop character traits that have eternal value. Things like chivalry, respect, integrity, self-control, compassion, generosity, humility, perseverance and so many other virtues that have been lost over the years.
You might not have all these attributes mastered yourself, but as his father and mentor you should be ready to help your son rise above what the culture is saying and ask, “How is my relationship with God reflected in my choices and attitudes.”
You’re the right man for the job, Dad. I tip my hat to you.
TAKE AWAY
As the world gets more selfish and more divided, maybe your son will grow into a leader who loves and unites. That possibility begins with you.
“Manners maketh the man.”
William of Wykeham (1324 – 1404)
So what do you think? I’m 99% sure most of the content of that book for fathers of sons is still quite applicable. Perhaps more than ever! If you’re a man raising a boy, I hope you’ll consider picking up a copy. The Foreword was written by Jerry Jenkins. On Amazon, it’s under ten bucks.
(By the way, the principles in the book served me well. My four adult sons are making a positive difference in the world. I couldn’t be more proud.)
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